this semester has been a whirlwind. it’s surprising, really…in january, it felt like this semester would last for the rest of my life. i learned a lot this semester.
london was a revelation. i felt rich there. full. the only way i can really describe how life feels now is using a stupid analogy. ready? well, you know those allergy medicine commercials where the world is all gray and blurry but you don’t really realize it until something makes the gray and blurry into bright and beautiful? that’s how it felt to come back. the sky is brighter. i notice it when something makes me laugh. i feel like i know what it feels like to be absolutely happy.
for the first few months of the semester, i felt like a zombie. absolutely. i felt like i sleepwalked through january and february. i went to class, i came home, and i would sleep. i did my homework and then i would go back to sleep. every day. i was always tired. my body was in tallahassee, but that was it, i think.
when i started working on encounters was when i woke up. i started connecting to my work again. i was busy. i feel best when i’m busy. working on encounters reminded me of the kind of friendships that sort of fell by the wayside. figuratively being asleep for so long took its toll on my friendships - it was like i hadn’t used my legs and the muscles grew weaker without me knowing it.
for the past few weeks, though, i feel like i’ve been getting my strength back. i mean i sort of wish that getting stronger would’ve come about sooner. i’m sad and scared of how my life will change without having certain people around me. seeing so many of my friends getting their shit together, having grown-up jobs and moving away and getting married - it’s..whoa. aaron said something at forum the other day that really struck me. he said to stop waiting for the real world to come along. i think of life under the college umbrella, but hearing aaron’s speech and seeing my peers going out there tilts my perspective.
i’m incredibly proud of the graduating class. i will miss them somethin’ FIERCE.
it’s a reminder that i’m on my way. i can do this. right? i can do this. now to get through finals.
I miss Jessica Schweitzer. Among other things.
Oh, and also: Jess is a goddess for making us the best cookies in the worldddddddddddd.
Spring break thus far: dancing, movies, theme parks, boats, beaches, and cookies. Excited for the rest of the week fooorrrr sure.
dear lauren -
stop screwing around on the internet and study for midterms.
love,
the logical side of your brain, wherever i am.
on one side of my bedroom wall, there is music pulsing. they are trying to drown out the music that is pounding outside my other bedroom wall. the beats are completely dissonant to each other. i can’t drown out anything. i’m stuck.
this is life.
family has a different beat than friends. friends have a different beat than lovers, lovers have different beats than co-workers. tallahassee has a different beat than orlando, than london, than blue skies and parks and smiles and memories. being asleep and being awake. being content and thriving, being sad, being hopeful. they all have different beats. it’s when they match up in some cosmically-altering way that it all makes sense. well, it doesn’t make sense. i think that’s when it’s okay that it doesn’t make sense. sometimes dissonance makes sense. other times it makes you feel helpless.
i feel like i’ve been floating through the last two months. everything feels hazy and uncomfortable.
there have been moments where some harmony has come through. yesterday, i got up before the sun did. i don’t remem — the last time i watched a sunrise was my last week in london. i walked to the globe at seven in the morning. it was cold and took a lot longer than i had remembered. but watching the sun rise over london made everything okay, and it was an amazing day. yesterday, i remember thinking that ‘the world is really pretty at sunrise.’ and everything was okay.
and it will be, i think. the sun will rise and there will still be music, dissonant or not.
keep it together, lauren.
Dear Lauren Scott,
You better text or call me and tell me you’re living, or I’m going to start calling hospitals.
Now.
Dear Jessica Schweitzer,
You are the love of my life.
….Your Friend,
Lauren
Will be in Clearwater until Saturday. See ya around.
I MISS YOU. i never knew how utterly painful 72 hours could be. OH, THE HUMANITY.
i went home this weekend to see my grandparents. they drove in from ohio - they are adorable little snowbirds who spend a month each year in florida.
my grandpa is one of those people who can build or macgyver anything into anything…like…whiddle a whistle out of a walnut, or something. my grandma is very religious and absolutely golden-hearted. both of them are the most caring, gentle, and loving people in the world. they built their house in ohio, and it is one of my favorite places in the world - probably the place i feel most comfortable in the world.
i mentioned earlier this week that i was really excited to go home this weekend, even though i visited just two weeks ago. part of that excitement to go home is because i miss london so much. i know it sounds weird, but i feel like home and london are two places where i feel i belong. i hate this city, really, and i’ve felt kind of alone and pretty sad since i’ve been back. it is beautiful to be able to go to a house where people around absolutely love it when i visit. it’s like i’m special there. i don’t feel special here.
my grandma said something incredibly sweet to me this weekend. i had mentioned that a lot of my friends are married or engaged, and it felt weird to, well, grow up. she said:
“i pray for you every day. i pray that you will find a man who is everything you want. i pray for a man who is gentle and kind. someone who is honest, who is loving, who takes care of you.”
at that point, my mom piped in and said, “and tall,” which made me laugh.
i know that i have good things in my life. i have amazing things in my life. and, honestly, i should thank God more often for the things i have in my life, because He knows i’d never be able to be where i am today without somebody’s help.
i’m thinking about visiting my grandparents again in two weeks.
My tummy has been in a huge knot since generals. Why do they do this to us?! Maybe it’s just me..maybe I’m crazy.
Either way, tomorrow morning couldn’t come soon enough.
Unless it’s bad news. Then it can just not come at all. Yeah, that’s the plan.
MAKE IT STOP.
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